Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
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11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”