Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
You Might Also Like
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My Plans 2020
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.