#damn
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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”