#damn
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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.