#damn
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.