Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.