damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I unironically love this joke.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away