Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Discuss
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer