Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
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I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
i guess his teacher was really pissed
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Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.