Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
This one, by a wide margin
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.