Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Voting is the worst group project
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.