Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
this independent good boy don’t need no human
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
🐿️
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*