Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.