damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
