Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

hmm conte-me mais

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.