Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t we all.

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.