damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?