Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
You Might Also Like
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.