@MartaEffing

Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.

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@zachreinert03

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@polyxendi

A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.

@JohnLyonTweets

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

@PoodleSnarf

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

@alyssalimp

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

@SJSchauer

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing