@MartaEffing

Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.

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@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

@SpaceCatPics

“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”

@WheelTod

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

@DaddyJew

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

@Dana_Bruno

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

@daemonic3

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

@Gupton68

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

@CandyEmpires

I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.

@meganamram

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body