Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.

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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money


Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.


A little lizard jumped on me and – to my surprise – my scream was manlier than I thought it’d be.


My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.


Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude


People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”


My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing