Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.
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“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body