Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS