Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
HR said no more nunchucks.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.