Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.