*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I contend that for the last 25 years, language has been softened for easier consumption by the masses.
Me: *deletes Tweet*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My circle of trust is a meatball
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.