Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

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*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.


There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.


I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.


I contend that for the last 25 years, language has been softened for easier consumption by the masses.

Murder Hornets:

Me: *deletes Tweet*


*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”


Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot


American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste


What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it


Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.