Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Saw online –
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Something Saturday.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.