@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

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@dafloydsta

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

@MoistPork

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

@JoParkerBear

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

@D_Ciphered

I contend that for the last 25 years, language has been softened for easier consumption by the masses.

Murder Hornets:

Me: *deletes Tweet*

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@hollyshortall

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

@Fred_Delicious

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

@novicefather

Meant to type “Lmaoooo” but left off the “L” and now she thinks I’m singing the praises of The People’s Republic.