Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
rest in peas
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
set yourself free xox
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.