Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
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Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
it was love at first sight
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
british sex workers really pound for pound
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.