Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
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waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.