Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

Feels like the fourth month in January

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?

Because they’re two tired

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

This made me smile…

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.