Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
