Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

my astrological sign is a french fry

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

🐶😂

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.