Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

I have many caverns

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

is he marrying that labradoodle

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail