Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
You Might Also Like
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
become ungovernable
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines