Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.