Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?