Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
How wrong was this guy?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.