Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice