Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice