Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.