Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.