damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Nothing.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If you had more money you’d be happier.