Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My safe word is Worcestershire
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Ah..makes sense now
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂