damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Just a reminder, folks:
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl