Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.