Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
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The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I hate my earbuds.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Welcome to the stomach
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*