Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

When he asks for feet pics

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Battery falling down a hole

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion