Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

*offers Batman cough drops*

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Geez man, take it easy.

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.