Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I’m sorry…what?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
A roof is a house hat.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said