Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.

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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers


me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]


[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.


Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt.

Well played.


I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.


Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.


demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work


Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!


Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”