So, can we agree on 4 or
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
NASA has no chill
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
So the ex texted me
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.