Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in