My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs