Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

i love modern commerce

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

Me trying to reach for my goals

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem