Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.