Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
crochet youtube is brutal
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
This will never not be funny 😭
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
my mind
You just read my mind
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy