Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

courtroom exchange of the day

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]