Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

😂😂

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.