Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder