Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.