Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.