Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

The Compass

I know this now 😂

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does