Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel