Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.