Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.


7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter


[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”


I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell.


ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.


me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?


I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.


Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.


Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.