Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?