Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I am a master ninja with my ability to hide silently when someone rings my doorbell.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.