Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

live long and prosper!

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Dietest Coke

I hate my earbuds.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene