Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
only 11 steps left
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit