damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
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I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
an airline just for babies.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.