Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

This bar smells like my childhood.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?