Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.