Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!