Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Canada has crack?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding