Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

The legends speak of a third Duran…

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do