“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?