My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
こいつ天才
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If you know, you know
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.