Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Family Celebrity

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I’m giving up for Lent.

Spring cleaning checklist…

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.