Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.