Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

the saddest jazz hands ever

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!